{"id":25609,"date":"2022-11-12T15:15:13","date_gmt":"2022-11-12T20:15:13","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/?p=25609"},"modified":"2022-11-11T13:00:04","modified_gmt":"2022-11-11T18:00:04","slug":"post-5-of-7-presentation-7-stupid-sf-f-shark-movies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/?p=25609","title":{"rendered":"Post 5 of 7\u2014Presentation: 7 Stupid SF\/F Shark Movies!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/strong>This is Post 5 of 7.<\/p>\n

9)\"\"<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

Steven Spielberg terrorized beach-goers in the summer of 1975 and initiated the modern age of cinematic blockbusters. His Jaws<\/em> remains the epitome of shark movies. It has many imitators\u2014The Reef<\/em>, The Shallows<\/em>\u2014but no equals.<\/p>\n

Some shark films, like Deep Blue Sea<\/em> and The Meg<\/em>, added science fictional elements to the formula and independent, low-budget, straight-to-video filmmakers soon dove into those lucrative waters, with mixed results.<\/p>\n

Some adopted the idea of purposely producing so-bad-it\u2019s-good fare as comically wacky entertainment, resulting in Sharktopus<\/em>, Dinoshark<\/em>, Sharknado<\/em>, and other examples of brainless, B-movie, sci-fi\/shark movies. The best of these basked in their absurdity and played as tongue-in-cheek homages to both the shark-adventure and science fiction genres.<\/p>\n

At the bottom of the chum bucket are found the irredeemably botched SF\/F shark movies, truly the worst, most unprofessional, hackneyed, nonsensical, substandard, misguided failures. Highlighted below are titles that we judged largely as such. Your mileage may differ.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Sharkenstein <\/strong>(2016)<\/h4>\n

A way-out, wild sci-fi\/horror m\u00e9lange of Jaws<\/em>, Nazispoitation, and Frankenstein<\/em>, Mark Polonia directs this earnest but unsatisfactorily executed movie, featuring a cast that includes at least a couple of moderately capable independent-film actors boasting a number of genuine credits within the low-budget horror genre.<\/p>\n

The story involves a mad scientist\u2019s scheme\u2014the Great Experiment\u2014to create from the body parts of Great Whites, Hammerheads, Makos and other man-eaters, the penultimate killer shark, into which will be surgically implanted the undying heart and brain of Frankenstein\u2019s monster!\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Having originated during World War II, the plan finally comes to fruition in present-day USA. Arriving in a small coastal town for a day of boating, three friends, Skip, Coop, and Madge, soon become entangled in the scientist\u2019s dastardly plans.<\/p>\n

While the writing and, in particular, special effects utterly fail to live up to the production\u2019s central, high-concept idea, I\u2019ll give the principal players kudos for, once or twice, expressing through their performances a knowing nod to the fatuous genre within which they are working.<\/p>\n

At one point, Greta Volkova, starring as Madge, delivers a line of awkwardly scripted foreshadowing with the mock gravitas appropriate to the occasion. \u201cI\u2019ve never seen a shark like that<\/em> before,\u201d she emotes. \u201cIt looked like a grotesque combination of different sharks.\u201d She later pays nerdy, loving tribute to the Frankenstein<\/em> story, rattling off a list of classic Frankenstein<\/em> films produced by Universal and Hammer.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Sharkenstein, struck by lightning at one point, begins to take on a more human form!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

And Jeff Kirkendall, affecting a clich\u00e9d German accent as the mad scientist, crowingly outlines his outrageous plan in detail for our three heroes, who find themselves his captives at one point. He and other neo-Nazis operating clandestinely across the globe intend to deploy an \u201cindestructible and unstoppable\u201d army of supersharks, beginning with the archetypal \u201cSharkenstein.\u201d Eventually, the preserved brains of Nazi leaders, including Hitler himself, will be transferred into these abominations, thus triggering another World War, which this time, the Nazis will win! After a few silent beats to allow the horrendous enormity of the plan to sink in, he melodramatically intones, \u201cThis is the part where you tell me I\u2019m crazy!\u201d\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

All fun, if decidedly imperfect, stuff, in the spirit of the genre, marred further by the clumsiest possible compositing of a Sharkenstein puppet and blood-splatter with live action footage!<\/p>\n

Planet of the Sharks <\/strong>(2016) and Empire of the Sharks <\/strong>(2017)\"\"<\/a> \"\"<\/a><\/h4>\n

The Asylum, an independent film production house specializing in low-budget, straight-to-video projects, is the chief purveyor of \u201csharksploitation\u201d flicks like these two. Both are from director Mark Atkins, Empire<\/em> a prequel to Planet<\/em>.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Set in a dystopian, Waterworld<\/em>-like near-future in which global warming has caused the Earth\u2019s glacial ice to melt, flooding the world, pockets of humanity survive on small floating islands of barges, wharves, and boats tethered together.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Planet of the Sharks: To save the world, scientists must first battle rapacious sharks!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

With ocean plankton unable to endure the warming waters, the ocean\u2019s food chain is collapsing and almost all sea life is dying off, leaving only a great school of sharks, led by an alpha female. But with no fish to eat, the ocean\u2019s apex predators must hunt for food above the surface. \u201cAnd that\u2019s us,\u201d explains Planet of the Sharks<\/em>\u2019 Dr. Shayne Nichols, a scientist who is working with others to launch a rocket equipped with CO2<\/sub> scrubbers into the high atmosphere, and so reverse the effects of climate change and lower sea levels. Yeah, that\u2019ll work!<\/p>\n

But first, an electronic gizmo must be dropped into a dormant undersea volcano in order to draw the threatening sharks to their doom when the team open fire with a laser, which will trigger an eruption. Or something.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
In both films, characters spend a lot of time standing around talking to each other.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

There\u2019s a lot of tedious, unnecessary detail, here, which causes the story to drag. And between brief and uninspiringly shot scenes of unconvincing CGI sharks leaping out of the water to chomp on people, far too much of the film\u2019s runtime is spent on lengthy sequences of expository dialogue among the protagonists, just standing around talking to each other. There are also a number of completely superfluous characters, who contribute little, if anything, to the story, save only to further pad out the film\u2019s runtime.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Planet of the Sharks: A scenery-chewing shark hunter who doesn’t make it past than the first reel!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
\"\"<\/a>
Both films feature CGI sharks leaping out of the water to attack!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Empire of the Sharks<\/em> is saddled with many of the same flaws, presenting audiences with countless interminable shots of characters staring intently or woefully at off-screen goings-on, or skimming about on various watercraft, or manoeuvering underwater with Sea Scooters, or aboard a submersible.<\/p>\n

Something of a Mad Max<\/em> on the water, the action, such as it is, follows a poorly realized young hero, who sets out to rescue his girlfriend, Willow, taken captive in the first reel by a ruling overlord. Martial law is imposed by way of a legion of sharks, which the antagonists control with what looks somewhat like a pair of gloves pilfered from the Rollerball<\/em> set and wrapped in a string of Christmas lights. Each of this post-apocalyptic world\u2019s small, floating communities are required to pay a regular tribute to the strongman, with ruthless punishment meted out to any who refuse, or defy him. Transgressors are held prisoner on his floating fortress and forced into slave labour, with those marked for execution tied to a float and fed to the ravenous sharks.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
Empire of the Sharks: Willow, a “shark caller,” must be rescued from an evil overlord.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Long story short, our hero assembles a crew of mercenary types to help rescue the girl and overthrow the evil empire. She, meanwhile, possessed of an innate psychic ability, channels her powers to challenge the overlord for control of sharks, managing to turn them against him and helping to win the day. Like her father before her, she is a \u201cshark caller,\u201d and is celebrated as such as the film concludes.<\/p>\n

A handful of the actors, at least, cast in these films have as much fun with their roles as dull scripting will allow, most notably Empire<\/em>\u2019s Jonathan Pienaar, who plays the overlord\u2019s right-hand man with over-the-top, villainous relish.<\/p>\n

Nary a farcical wink is offered to the inherent cheesiness of either movie, and so, these pictures are nothing more than pedestrian sci-fi\/actioners. So if you like nonsensically bad science fiction films, you\u2019ll have a better time with The Asylum\u2019s hit, Sharknado<\/em>, which fully embraces and lampoons the flavour of sci-fi B-movies and its own outlandish premise.<\/p>\n

Ouija Shark <\/strong>(2020)\"\"<\/a><\/h4>\n

One would not be exceedingly surprised to discover that this movie was produced by a sixth-grader equipped with dad\u2019s camcorder and I suppose that Ottawa-based actor\/writer\/director Brett Kelly was, once, some years ago, in the sixth grade. Kelly, who guested at ConCept in 2006, directs, here, under his Scott Patrick pseudonym.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Reportedly made for some $300, most of that budget apparently allocated to the titular shark, a rubber, dollar store-quality toy, one cannot reasonably expect very much, if anything, of this film.<\/p>\n

Expectations met!\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

A group of girls enjoying a backyard pool party decide to experiment with an old Ouija board that one of them found washed up on a nearby beach. Inadvertently, they conjure up the ghost of a Great White Shark, which appears as a glowing spectre unremarkably superimposed into various scenes as, one after another, each of the girls is attacked by this phantom fish.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

The cast are high-school-drama-club amateurish, a few especially so, the pacing often lethargic, and the production values carelessly inferior. But these factors, coupled with the sheer idiocy of the whole affair, might have been forgiven had the writers injected moments of self-aware pretense. Alas, we are offered but a few weak barbs, not nearly enough of a boost to elevate the piece whatsoever.<\/p>\n

Kelly has produced better stuff under his actual name; this one is to be avoided.<\/p>\n

Land Shark <\/strong>(2020); Original Title: L\u00f9 Xing Sh\u0101\"\"<\/a> <\/strong><\/h4>\n

Candygram.<\/p>\n

The English title of this movie suggests a feature-film adaptation of that classic Saturday Night Live<\/em> skit, but this is, in fact, a Chinese creature-feature budgeted at some $2 million. Rather derivative of such fare as Deep Blue Sea<\/em>, The Meg<\/em>, Tremors<\/em>, and any number of kaiju<\/em> films\u2014there\u2019s even a Free Willy<\/em> moment included!\u2014director Cheng Si-Yu helmed what proved to be a pretty standard-issue CGI-monster movie, reasonably well-crafted but tarnished by a daft premise.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

A pharmaceutical research laboratory\u2019s attempt to engineer an anti-cancer drug via genetic tampering results in the creation of a giant, beastly shark capable of terrorizing mankind in the water, and<\/em> on land!\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

All of the stereotypical characters that populate such genre films are present, here: the take-charge hero, shark wrangler Song Yi, and his goofy friend and sidekick, Pang Yu, responsible for comic relief; the greedy, callous corporate executive behind the experiment, Qian Cheng; the noble scientist, young, pretty Ye Xin, also our hero\u2019s romantic interest; her craven, morally bankrupt colleague; the leader of Cheng\u2019s private militia, who begins to question his boss\u2019 ethics; the cute kid; and a gaggle of others who serve as chum.<\/p>\n

Early in the narrative, the lab\u2019s team of scientists and technicians are surprised to discover that their test subject, an aggressive male shark, is pregnant, an incomprehensible turn of events. \u201cCould it be possible,\u201d asks the portly Pang Yu, \u201cthat the shark is so depressed because of being locked up, that it became a sissy as a result?\u201d<\/p>\n

I watched the English dub of the film, so I\u2019ll allow that something may have been lost in the translation, however, such puerile dialogue did not bode well.<\/p>\n

Later, it\u2019s learned that the shark\u2019s genetic material was augmented by that of earthworms, which reproduce asexually. This, apparently, explains the shark\u2019s pregnant state, and its ability to move about on land<\/em> and burrow through the soil in hot pursuit of the panicked laboratory personnel! There\u2019s a lot of frantic running away, willy-nilly, until in a moment of respite, we hear again from Pang Yu, who unintentionally summarizes the entire movie. \u201cWhat\u2019s this even about?\u201d he gasps, breathless. \u201cThe sea creature that swims on land! This is quite unscientific.\u201d<\/p>\n

Indeed.<\/p>\n

Not to be taken seriously as the straight-up science fiction\/action picture it aspires to be, but that said, Land Shark<\/em> does have its charms.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Shark Side of the Moon <\/strong>(2022)<\/h4>\n

Another one from The Asylum, this stultifyingly lame sci-fi effort, is part Jaws<\/em>, part Iron Sky<\/em>, all stupid!\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Shark Side of the Moon<\/em> is a so-called \u201cMockbuster,\u201d that is, a cheap and cheesy movie that capitalizes on the recognition and popularity of one or more critically-acclaimed and\/or big-budget box office successes, often blatantly filching elements from the mainstream films that served as inspiration. Sometimes, this results in a charmingly silly, funny, entertaining, tongue-firmly-in-cheek, in-joke homage of sorts.<\/p>\n

But not in this case. Not at all. Even remotely.<\/p>\n

The title suggests an astonishingly ridiculous premise, and indeed, Shark Side of the Moon<\/em>, released as a \u201cTubi Original\u201d and part of the low-rent streaming service\u2019s Bitefest, involves a colony of deadly human\/shark hybrids who have established a technologically advanced colony on the moon!<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
The commander of a U.S. mission returning to the moon is surprised by she finds there!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Created by Soviet scientists during the Cold War, these creatures quickly escaped, but before they could wreak havoc, were lured aboard a space shuttle by one of the scientists for a one-way flight to the moon. Forty years later, American astronauts returning to the moon soon encounter these lunar shark-men, as well as the scientist\u2014he remained aboard the shuttle as pilot\u2014and<\/em> his half-human, half-shark daughter!<\/p>\n

The acting is shoddy and melodramatic, the dialogue inane, and the direction and editing lacklustre, with only the occasional visual effect offering a modicum of flair.\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

And I won\u2019t even bother to address the film\u2019s unforgivable misunderstanding of basic science, the dubious logic of proceedings, or the sagacity of characters\u2019 motivations because, clearly, the screenwriters didn\u2019t seem to think any of that particularly important, either!<\/p>\n

Sharkula <\/strong>(2022)\"\"<\/a><\/h4>\n

Director Mark Polonia seems to revel in cut-rate sharksploitation projects; he tapped into the Frankenstein mythos in 2016 (see above) and here returns with a bat-shit crazy Dracula-inspired shark movie!<\/p>\n

Set in present-day New England, in the coastal town of Arkham\u2014a salute to Lovecraft\u2014the story began centuries earlier. Count Dracula is chased by a \u201cmakeshift mob of uneducated farmers\u201d to the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea, where he is stabbed. Wounded, he falls into the raging surf below and is immediately attacked by a large, blood-lusting shark. By way of \u201cmind control,\u201d however, the King of the Vampires succeeds in communicating with, and transferring to the shark his curse.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf I served him, he would protect me,\u201d Dracula explains later, as he recounts the tale to Arthur and Mina, two of the film\u2019s leads, all of whom are named for characters in Stoker\u2019s original novel. \u201cWe all serve someone, or something. Even the mighty Dracula!\u201d he continues. \u201cAs those who serve me, I must<\/em> serve it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like a load of crap!\u201d replies Arthur.<\/p>\n

Precisely.<\/p>\n

And the crap doesn\u2019t come any more coiled and steaming than in this movie.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
A bat-shark puppet (above, positioned on a green-screen stage) was fashioned for this production, and composited with live-action footage (below).<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
\"\"<\/a>
Shots of the puppet were melded with live-action footage.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The writing is atrociously bad and the acting underwhelming, though a couple of cast members do strive desperately to make something more interesting of the material they\u2019ve been given. Meanwhile, for some reason\u2014maybe to put across a weird, cultish vibe but more likely to extend the film\u2019s runtime\u2014director Polonia returns often<\/em> to non-sequitur shots of a leather-clad woman dancing on a beach at dusk twirling what look like flaming marshmallows on sticks!<\/p>\n

There is really only one worthwhile thing to be found in this flick: a catchy, 1960s-style, surf-guitar piece by the Sea Demons, employed as Sharkula\u2019s theme song.<\/p>\n

Listen here:<\/p>\nhttp:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/11\/Sharkula-TheSeaDemons.mp3<\/a><\/audio>\n

Conclusion:<\/h4>\n

If you like your science fiction, horror, and shark movies cheap, cheesy, and stupid, drop your line in these waters!<\/p>\n

All kidding aside, it\u2019s easy to slam such efforts and poke fun, but even the most egregious examples often include a spark or two of creativity that, given more talent and money, may well have amounted to something.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is Post 5 of 7. 9) Steven Spielberg terrorized beach-goers in the summer of 1975 and initiated the modern age of cinematic blockbusters. His Jaws remains the epitome of shark movies. It has many imitators\u2014The Reef, The Shallows\u2014but no equals. Some shark films, like Deep Blue Sea and The Meg, added science fictional elements … Continue reading Post 5 of 7\u2014Presentation: 7 Stupid SF\/F Shark Movies!<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":435,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-25609","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25609","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/435"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=25609"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25609\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":25641,"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/25609\/revisions\/25641"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=25609"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=25609"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.monsffa.ca\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=25609"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}